Sometimes I rant…
What the crap happened to my Open Office document editor? *Need to fix*
The flow of my thoughts hasn’t ever been more excitable. Now if only I could manage to get my accounts into order so that I could do something about it. It seems that for the most part I don’t even have time to shower let alone put any thoughts to process.
My momentary lapse of consideration for giving a fuck has made me a little cynical. It’s like trying to set ablaze a forest fire with a match. It’s a little late to start now but here I am, matchbook in hand.
Everything I try and do seems futile when I consider that it will never get finished. I’m like a robot, I turn on, follow my programs and go back to sleep.
I only use my left hand to type but somehow I still manage to maintain a wpm that is well beyond most anyone I’ve ever met. That is not to say that there isn’t someone somewhere who can type faster but when one hand is responsible for reaching more than 90% of the total keys you type and one finger is responsible for pecking the occasional p, o, l, or punctuation key I suppose a majority of your work can be done with one hand tied behind your back. Get it?
So anyway. I’ve been really enjoying coding but the fact that I write all the code just to watch it rot while I try and further idiot proof it from the general sludge that would otherwise use the application on a daily basis I find myself largely demotivated. I imagine that it is much like what creating the wheel felt like. Sure, you can put two of them on a stick and suddenly you get around a lot easier than before, but there will still be some asshole out there trying to figure out which side of a round object goes up.
I’ve recognized a value in presented information that I don’t think I noticed before. Sure anything can be made better with a powerpoint presentation and a monotonous speech poured over the crowd, making bored guestures to the screen; but when it comes to truly engaged information you suddenly find yourself wondering why this person is so excited. You feel like you’re missing out on something that you threw out the invitation to. “Hey, man, what is so great about this? What? That doesn’t make sense I never would have missed– oh. Really? Right.”
My back hurts, I’m tired, my hands are cramped, and I really don’t have a clear thought to save my life. I have no desire to sit around and be a pile of shit but right now it’s the only thing that feels good. I stink and most people find my presense unpleasant. I don’t care, they have no idea how warm and cozy it feels being me.
My shoes are cold and I don’t know where I left my feet. I’ve got a bad case of water but my bottle of thirst is empty.
I’m really just an angry man looking for somewhere to let it all out. I’ve tried to tie myself down and find a sense of piece inside myself somewhere. A laughable notion in itself, all it does is make me want to act out more.
I have a hard time getting through the day without feeling the immense desire to piss someone off on purpose. I’m pretty good at pretending I didn’t know any better but I often wonder how much better it would feel to just be open about it.
I don’t like that I think everyone else is an idiot, I just don’t know how to convince myself otherwise. I think if you had a belief the world was flat, and that at any point in time the extent of your sight marked the end of the world, people would have a hard time proving to you otherwise. Sure you can walk to a point in the distance that one marked the end of the world, but apparently you weren’t paying attention because now the end of the world is over there. *points*
I don’t want to be normal, average, or just like everyone else. I look at them and I see them washing aside with their personal vacancy. I like when people judge me because it means they have something to desire of me. I don’t want to sit alone in a room dying myself to sleep, that idea makes me sick to my stomach.
When I was little I used to think that one day I would challenge the greats. I would be the one who brought it all down. I guess I didn’t grow up fast enough because it’s too late now, the party is over.
