I found one of my old and more occupied journals from my younger years. I had quite a few but this one is the only one that I’ve found that managed to make it through the wreckage of my young adulthood. Very few things have dates on them. From what I can put together by the context and the dates I have found it ranges from 2001 through 2005. So from when I was fifteen years old until shortly after twenty one. Some of it still holds true, some of it is barely even a memory anymore. All of it is mine however and for that reason I’m posting it here to share. There is no order to what is posted since I’ve apparently always had the bad habit of starting in the front, the back and the middle all at the same time. Blank pages are strewn throughout the midsection of the book, scribbles, doodles and one line rants. It’s a transcript of teenage angst as it develops into an adult barely from the home, sleeping in parking lots and surviving off of dollar menu meals. Some of the pages and writings have been partially or wholly destroyed by water damage or tears in the pages. The only edits I’ve made are those in the case where spelling, grammar or sensibility was required. So let us begin…

In reply to: The Problem with Sleep

So it’s been one week since my original post in regards to my intentions to alternate my sleeping pattern. At the time I’d only been going on my second day and I had actually intended on putting more time into preparing before I began. However when I overshot a nap by about 5 hours I just decided to dive in. Which is exactly why I hate naps, they either have to be extremely brief, say 20 minutes or they have to really last. Otherwise I really feel no effect from them and in result just come out of it even more tired than when I began.

So lets begin with my perceptions from the week so far…

• Socializing has taken the obvious plummet from it’s current near dead status to being fossilized and put on display in a museum. I’ve never been the most actively social person and while I joke that I am quite the elitist, in heart I am just really preoccupied with my own thoughts or engagements to consider it. Some would call me an inconsiderate or selfish person. In ways you may be right but I think anyone that knows me would agree that unless I’m put off by something you have done I will nearly bend over backwards to a direct request. That’s for another experiment though.. lets move on.
• The body is more resilient on an empty stomach. I have read an article on this and I took it to practice in the latter parts of the week. My current work schedule has me going to lunch mid-workday at 10:00 AM Eastern. This is pretty early for most but getting up somewhere between 4:30-5 AM Eastern I am by this time typically pretty hungry. (If only there was something other than nasty fast food places open at this hour) So I will eat my meal at 10:00 and not eat again until after I sleep. This does two things, firstly it permits about 12 hours between the meals making it easier for my body to adjust to the new hours. It also reduces my general need to constantly consume otherwise useless junk. I feel my appetite is more in balance with what I would expect of someone of my size, when one month ago I’d be perfectly fine eating all day if I had food available.
• I am more energized during the day, especially mentally. Before I get into my current hour metrics allow me to clarify that I have yet to have completed an entire night without sleep. This is in part by choice as E. gets home (and thus to sleep) later and gets up when I do, so she requires additional rest. I typically spend my last two hours before I must get ready for work reading in bed beside her and usually doze off. It is very apparent however that I am more alert throughout the duration of my waking hours both at night and at work. My body rarely feels the fatigue that it did almost daily before this experiment. Short of when there is some social event on a particular evening, I have as much sleep as my body decides I need each day. I still like to stretch as any good-feeling creature does and I yawn when I rise or spend too much time sitting at a mundane task but not out of exhaustion.
• With the mental energy has come some very vivid dreams and experiences. Again it is a personal hobby of mine to passively work with meditation, lucid dreaming, OOBE’s and the sort. As a constant interest of mine I personally feel very sensitive to certain behaviors in my body that are instant signs of some sort of activity. Both myself and E. have experienced very detailed, vibrant dreams seemingly daily, let alone every time we fall asleep. I have yet to start keeping a journal like I used to, in part due to the sensitivity of my transition and in other out of sheer procrastination. Of greater personal interest I actually felt the vibrations commonly associated with projection last time I slept.

While the first two days and three nights were questionably discouraging, by Saturday I feel I’d near fully acclimated to the new schedule and truly began to enjoy the lesser amounts of pressure I felt with my time. At the risk of better experiment results I returned to a normal sleeping pattern for Sunday only (which I later realized I could have probably worked with) since E. has a particular schedule every other Sunday. Fortunately now Tuesday morning I am back in rhythm only mildly feeling the effects of missing a full daytime sleep.

I hope that once I have become fully adjusted to this new schedule that I will be able to sleep at a relatively flexible schedule and bounce back the next day with little effect.

Current schedule:

(Every day I began sleeping @ 4:00 PM Eastern)

Monday 5/11: 8:40 PM Eastern
Tuseday 5/12:  9:00 PM Eastern
Wednesday 5/13: 10:30 PM Eastern
Thursday 5/14:  11:11 PM Eastern
Friday 5/15:  11:20 PM Eastern
Saturday 5/16: 10:30 PM Eastern
Sunday 5/17:  (slept ‘normal hours’ 9:30 PM-4:45 PM)
Monday 5/18:  7:00 PM Eastern

For as long as I can remember sleep has been my nemesis. I never want to start sleeping and when I finally do I rarely get to sleep long enough or wake up naturally, which I feel are both crucial to quality sleep. The ideal situation for me would be the seldom known but more natural polyphasic sleeping. It is only an ideal however since I cannot adjust my schedule as is needed to permit the 20 minute interval naps required every 4 hours. Let alone the adjustment period required would be near devastating when I am expected in top condition at work during the weekdays.

With this I have come to a (hopefuly) happy medium to make for an easier adjustment period as well as provide as much sleep as I desire without the need for the stigmas of sleep schedules and alarm clocks. If I begin sleeping immediately or sometime soon after arriving home from work (roughly 4PM) I can sleep as long as is needed and then immediately begin my ‘day’ when I wake up. Based on my typical sleep durations during the weekends I would expect myself to wake up normally any time between 9 and 11 depending on the day.

The definite positives:

• Longer more natural sleep. No alarms so no rude wakeups.
• My days won’t start at work so I will look forward to waking up
• Reduced distractions result in increased productivity (especially for natural nigh people)
• Fewer sleeping stigmas. No subconscious feeling that going to bed marks the end of my ‘free time’
• With all of the above I expect my quality of sleep to improve

The definite negatives:

• Few people share this schedule – Making socialization only that much more complicated
• Most public shopping is closed at this time. (The grocery store however is 24×7)

I can vouch that I have already felt better when waking up from my after work naps (currently sometime between 6:30-8:30) having recalled lucid dreams and greater states of relaxation. In addition my mind feels more rejuvenated and if not for recent body pains I would expect to be physically more alert as well. The end result I expect is a more positive general living experience as well as an easier time managing personal routines and projects. I will continue to update as this plan either works in my favor or against me.

NBC Video: Night Owls More Productive than Early Birds

Related Article: Night Owls Can Work Longer than Early Birds

I’m not blank this week but I’m currently practicing the habit of taking a week of reflection after a week of heavy writing. I put a lot out last week and I have intention of posting anything that comes now but I am otherwise collecting myself. I’ve been doing as I normally do and trying to keep my head up and eyes bright but I’ve got this reoccurring sensation of angst towards this way of life… this feeling of imprisonment. I’m reading ‘You Get so Alone at Times that it Just Makes Sense‘ and despite how I normally feel about letting my mind be consumed by the influence of other people’s thoughts I couldn’t deny the relation I felt with the following…

The wind blows hard tonight
and it’s a cold wind
and I think about
the boys on the row.
I hope some of them have a bottle
of red.

It’s when you’re on the row
that you notice that
everything
is owned
and that there are locks on
everything.
This is the way a democracy
works:
you get what you can,
try to keep that
and add to it
if possible.

This is the way a dictatorship
works too
only they either enslave or
destroy their
derelicts

we just forget
ours.

in either case
it’s a hard
cold
wind.

Trashcan Lives by Charles Bukowski – You Get so Alone at Times that it Just Makes Sense

Your bitterness and self loathing is enraging; you, with your self-righteous good habits that you throw in my face at every opportunity. You with your cold-sober misery of pseudo apathetic comedy, as if the rest of the world is too stupid to understand what you’re really dealing with, I’ve already got a job and my own responsibilities. Don’t feed me your shit too. It seems like I’ve lost myself to the idea of accomplishment by way of approval. You don’t define me and I don’t need you to tell me who I am or what’s ideal for me. I’m beyond tired of feeling like I’ve got an externally driven objective. I am not alone in my rejection of this (your) manner of life I’m just one of the few willing to admit it. It’s an action not worthy of fighting for. If not for the fact that I’d soon find myself captured and held to this life against my will.

I don’t want to push your papers, collect your shit, groom your filth or dress your perversion just for the right to exist in self peace. Children, that’s an unfathomable concept but not for fear of stability or physical well being. It’s a moral dilemma that I face to either lie or tell them the truth as I see it. As I live it through you with your insatiable hunger for more at the cost of less. We are the antagonists to your biggest defeat. In the shadows of your collapse, we scramble like the insects we are.

For as long as man has documented history there have been wars waged on differences in belief. Entire civilizations lost and nearly all record of their existence destroyed if only so that another community’s belief system could survive. Only in modern society have we reached a point where both moral and legal repercussion can aid in preventing backlash for one’s own opinion. The United States has built itself around freedom of belief, speech and life action. Nearly two and a half centuries later we find ourselves at a pinnacle of development in every field of science. After all of our development and innovation it remains to be seen whether we have yet to have developed beyond our original divides, or if we have only further complicated them.

I often go back and read the things that I’ve written and begin to make changes. I will read something for the tenth time and still feel unsatisfied with what it says and I begin making edits. This is usually because I feel I have come off too apprehensive of circumstance or subject. Who knows, perhaps this is true but in all honesty it what I regret most in my writing. I feel whole heartedly that I’m a good person and that I’ve got a strong moral standpoint accompanied by a wide open mind. I spend hours daydreaming about zombie invasions or post apocalypse Beyond the Thunderdome type of nonsense, but I’m an otherwise well educated (self taught or otherwise) and stable person. So why am I constantly apologizing in my writing?

I want to be heard but not just heard in the way of the brain’s natural reaction to audible sensation. I want my words to echo off of the masses and to crush walls. Tear down the obstructions that were once upholding of bigotry and bias. I want my voice to be chanted in rhythm to the pounding thunder of ten thousand footsteps marching upon the objective. I want my voice to be received via satellite by the people who most need to hear it hundreds of miles away. I want the world to know that I am the one, along with the many who are not indifferent. I want it to be heard that when the smoke has passed and the blood has dried that I still stand. Not on a side but on a belief that nothing has changed and nothing ever will if we are always afraid to say what needs to be said the most. I will stand and it will be heard that without a voice we have nothing.

Explained @ Project: Before I Die

The Free Pass user is the most commonly overlook user for the same reasons most good things are lost to the overwhelming bad. This particular user is the most significant reason for any IT member’s purpose in the field. They genuinely want assistance and have little concern for how it is completed. This user is typically quiet and commonly encountered with their heads down in shame for having to bother the IT gods. If only they knew they were a breath of fresh air. They listen with great intent and do their best to incorporate good practice in their future encounters with technology. While they sometimes have silly questions they are often looked at like small furry animals approaching a loud angry noise for the first time. These users recognize that they had come for IT support because not only did they not know the answer to their dilemma, but they also recognize that there is a reason why technical support is paid for what it does. So they make little resistance and are often given every accommodation available to the support group. Much like a good pizza this is the type of experience you just don’t want to end.

The Past Life IT Guy is the polar opposite of The Panic Stricken Hypochondriac. This user is just as dangerous behind the wheel of an electronic device because they insist that they know what they are doing. At the risk of discounting their intelligence level or problem finding skills these people don’t know when to quit. They become so wrapped up in proving not only to themselves but also to you that they know what’s going on that their problems are often over complicated and the solutions are typically as simple as an overlooked checkbox. What makes this particular user an exceptionally annoying interaction is that the first 15 minutes are filled with self-plugs of qualification for the users understanding of the problem. They then spend the last 15 minutes inquiring about the solution as if they’ll understand and follow up with their disagreement to your solution, despite the fact that you just solved their issue. In the end before the entire painful experience is over this reason-bending prodigy concludes their long winded ‘No’ argument with an inquiry of ‘Right?’ and states that you two are now in agreement. Essentially cancelling out any details you have just provided the person in attempts to grant them the wisdom they claim to bear.